Why zombie, you ask? Well, yesterday, I was wandering around in a state of delirium. It’s almost October, so it’s almost Halloween. And, oh yes, I’ve been incommunicado in blogworld for too long, and I have come back from the dead! Wait. Are zombies revived (well, not revived, as that would mean a new life, and they are quite unlike their original form, are they not?) from the dead? Or what? What is the provenance of zombies? SOMEONE HELP ME! I could ask the internet. Wait. I am asking the internet.
At any rate, quite a lot has transpired since I last updated. Let’s see. So, I was in Taiwan for much of the summer. The first week, I visited my family. My dad’s side lives in the mountains, and my mom’s side is in central Taiwan. Then, I attended a language learning program sponsored by the Overseas Compatriot Affairs Commission (OCAC) for six weeks. It’s for people who (theoretically) have some sort of connection to Taiwan, aged 18-24. They’re the same people who run Loveboat (not it’s official name, which I think is Formosa Camp), which is kind of like the Taiwanese version of Birthright, if you know about that.
I’ll have to come back later and upload more Taiwan pictures. JP’s sister, Cathy, noted that her impression of Taiwan was that it was very lush, and that was exactly the word that came to mind when I got to see the natural scenery. Most of my time was spent in Taipei, though, which is all hustle and bustle.
When I returned from Taiwan, I had about two and a half weeks to pack for Ohio. Oh yes, I have returned to the motherland. Well, the non-Taiwan motherland. Is your motherland where you were born, or where your mother was born? And if the latter, then what if your mother and father were born in two different places? Would it therefore be more accurate to have both a motherland and a fatherland? I think Mik has some kind of Latinate terminology for such things. I am no Latinist; nor am I a Hellenist. Digression! (Everyone but Mik should get that reference…)
At any rate, my parents set out from California on September 5, opening day of college football! Luckily, both the Bears and the Buckeyes handily defeated their respective opponents. (And sadly, are both one-loss teams now.) We stopped in Salt Lake City, Denver (got to see Katie!), and St. Louis, before arriving in Columbus. I’ll have to write more about that journey later; for now, let’s just note that, between sleeping and failing at life, I missed every state border crossing except for Ohio. The heart of it all 
What I really want to talk about today is something that happened this past Saturday night. I’ve emailed this story to a couple people already, so I’m copy/pasting here. Then, I’ll update at the bottom.
***
Cast of characters:
me
Natalie (my friend Peter’s friend, goes to OSU, is nice and showing me around)
Anna (their other friend from high school, just met her tonight)
8 guys who live in a house together (Kirk and Dusty are brothers, Jesse, and Ben are the relevant ones to this story)
Evening: at a bar. Nothing particular to note.
After: back to the guys’ place. It’s raining, so I walk fast. And that, I believe is how I manage to stay dryer than the other two girls do. I think. Or, you know, I’m a duck and repel water. OOH after this weekend’s game, I don’t think I should be making duck references. *Sigh* Anyway. A bunch of them smoke, so we sit on their porch and hang out, while away the hours, &c. Ben turns on the music from their roof and disappears. Mid-conversation, there is a loud CRASH. Uh-oh, car accident on their streetcorner. Dusty and Anna rush over to make sure people are ok. There are two cars involved, but a food delivery guy had just gotten to the guys’ place, so he pulled over to the side, and some good Samaritan also pulled over. Meanwhile, Dusty, Anna, and some other passersby make sure the people in the crash are doing ok and divert traffic. (All of a sudden, a bunch of cars, cabs, and pedestrians are trying to get through the previously-quiet intersection.)
Kirk goes upstairs to turn the music off, because Lady Gaga or something similar is, you know, probably not appropriate. Dusty and Anna are still on the street when the cops finally arrive, but then their statements are apparently not needed. I’m not sure what the procedural due process is for this, but I guess the driver of one car jumped out of her car immediately and started admitting fault/apologizing/&c. By the way? The driver of the other car lost a tooth and his passenger had something wrong with his neck. So, we sit on the porch and watch the police stand around, then start to interview only the people in the cars, not the passersby. The paramedics come and have to carry the second passenger away on a stretcher. Yeesh.
Meanwhile, Jesse doesn’t know why the music is off, so he turns it back on. As we’re all watching the street, every official’s head whips around toward us and they all say, “TURN IT OFF!” Kirk goes to make him turn it off again. The processing continues for awhile, until finally everyone leaves except for one squad car. The two police officers come to the porch and say, “Everyone get your IDs out.”
Uh, what?
The officers each go to one of the brothers; Kirk had been straightening up the porch and left his wallet on his seat, so when the police asked for his ID, the first thing he could find was his military ID. The officer seemed to think he was trying to get out of trouble by playing the serving-our-country card and was displeased. Dusty asked what was wrong, and the other officer started his tirade: “Did you SEE the accident happen in front of you? Police officers and paramedics need to be able to hear to do their job.” Dusty tried to interject, “We were trying to help…” but the officer cut him off, “I don’t care. It’s 3 in the morning, and everyone in a 50-block radius can hear you, you keep talking and we can cite you for any number of things…” He had taken Dusty’s ID, so Anna stood up (and Natalie and I were both going for ours, too) and asked, “Do you need to see my ID?”
The cop turned to her and brusquely demanded, “Do you live here?” And when she said no, he scoffed at her and said, “Then sit down and shut your mouth.” Um. Yes. America’s finest, ladies and gentlemen. They take the two IDs and go sit in their car, filling out their paperwork FOR A LONG TIME. We’re not sure if they’re just trying to make us sweat, or if it’s going to be a BFD. They then call Kirk over, who stands at the door and gets a long, angry lecture. He comes back with a citation. They then call Dusty over, and Kirk said that, among all the other things the police hurled at him, one of them said, “You can thank those girls up there for giving us lip.” EXCUSE ME?
It’s clearly not Anna’s fault, but she feels so bad that she is on the brink of tears, Kirk goes inside, clearly peeved but, you know, what can you do, and Dusty gets a much shorter lecture. The police finally pull away, seeming to have spent far more time trying to cite two brothers for something out of their control than actually surveying the accident.
GIVING THEM LIP!? EXCUSE YOURSELF!!! I’m definitely calling to file a complaint today. I don’t think it’ll do any good, but it needs to be on record that a) two men were cited for something they didn’t do (and I realize that there’s nothing my statement will be able to do about that) and b) the police officers treated all of us so rudely and unprofessionally.
***
So, I called the Department of Internal Affairs (sounds so serious!) and filed my complaint. He didn’t take it very seriously, but he had to take it anyway.
Officer: So, he didn’t swear at you or anything?
Me: No. And I realize, in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing compared to homicide. But, it was rude and unprofessional. You wouldn’t talk to your mother that way.
Officer: I would never compare this to speaking with my mother.
Me: That’s fine, but you simply don’t speak to people that way without giving the impression of rudeness. Even had we been aggressive, which we were not, they would have been required to maintain their composure!
***
I don’t, in general, have “beef” with law enforcement. We have systems. All citizens, private or public, ought to do their best to uphold the reason and sanity of society. The two police officers were out of line.
By the way? It was Columbus PD, and the number on their squad car was 9041. Keep an eye out for them, and if they’re nearby, I guess you’d better shut your mouth.
Ugh. I tried again today, after baking a cake for Lee Mama and briefly entertaining her friends. (Lee Mama has friends! AHH!) I was on hold for 19 minutes and 33 seconds. Finally, it was cleared up. Tyler says I won, but really? I just lost twenty minutes of my youth.